My first born is a special guy. I remember vividly the very first moment I felt the flutter of new life in my swelling abdomen. His life is my special treasure. As a young girl,so very lost in the world and as far from God as could be imagined, God began to call me home through the beating of an other's heart. There was a brief scare in my pregnancy that caused me to rely on a God that I didn't know by name, yet. A new desire to lean on my Abba father was ignited that day sitting in that Ob/GYN room.
On September 2 1993, a baby boy was placed in my arms and I have never been the same. This little bundle of newborn loveliness has emerged into a full fledged teenager. And yet again, I will never be the same.
Teenagers are tough.
Especially parenting the first born as a teenager.
This year, by far, as been the toughest with our first born. A gentle spirit has transformed into an independent and stubborn manner. There are more days than I can count that he is stuck between wanting to fight for his way and crawling onto my lap and crying his eyes out. I instinctively know those moments because his bottom lip still quivers like it did when he was a toe-headed toddler. The sweet chubby fingers that printed so beautifully has emerged into a hand that is bigger than mine. The hair that I used to comb is now worn in a long style that irks his grandpa. But I hear, although I am not eavesdropping, that the girls love his curls! His feet are now bigger than his dad's. And when he brought home his spring pictures this week, I sucked in a big breath when he asked me "Don't you think I look buff, mom?" Because you know what, he kinda did!
There have been more than one (hundred) occasions where I would have sold him to a pack of Gypsies. And then ran back and bought him back.
Seriously, there have been days where I have told the Lord "this is too hard." "I quit teenagers." "You picked the wrong parents for this one. We will screw him up if he doesn't kill us first." Most of the time I don't get a reassuring, still small voice. Sometimes, I do. Most of the time I would find my spirit filled with a peace that defied the surroundings. And then an inner fight wells up in me to NOT let the enemy notch a victory over this boy's life. Because this life will be counted among one of God's Greatest Victories this side of eternity!
When I walked in the door this afternoon from Bible Study, there was a flashing 1 on the answering machine. I should have known. It was one of the First-Born's teachers. Again. The enemy tried to steal away today's blessing.......................and he almost did.
But God.
I had been silently petitioning God to fill me with wisdom on how to handle him. I found myself at the end of my ability (and patience) to get through this. And I felt God say "step aside". So, I did. As I went to my room I encouraged him to lean on God. To hash it out with Him. I needed God so badly to speak to my Taylor. To touch his heart, first hand. Not to do it through me anymore. And I so badly needed Taylor, to embrace God because he wanted too. Not because I wanted him too.
And you know what? He did. And they did. And He did.
A little while later, Taylor came over to me and hugged me tight. No matter how mad I get at him, those hugs are truly the best feeling in the world. He said in a softer voice than was used earlier, "Mom, I know it's all going to work out. I just know it will." I asked him how he knew and he shared with me this verse. He said "I just opened up my Bible and there it was. I knew it came straight from God." As I read that verse I just wanted to sit on the floor and sob like a baby. My soul was captivated by the Father's love for my first born. A love that has not quit. Has not thrown up it's hand in disgust. Has not forgot that his is dust. But sees him as the apple of His eye. As His delight.
I have once again asked God to write this moment on my heart so when the moments of defeat creep back in that I can recall this Victory.
Psalm 73 (The Message)
Truly God is good to Israel (Taylor, empahasis mine!), to those whose hearts are pure. But as for me, I almost lost my footing. My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone. For I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness. They seem to live such painless lives;their bodies are so healthy and strong. They don’t have troubles like other people;they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else.
21 Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
Father, I thank you for loving my First-Born. I thank you that You hold his life. Thank you for speaking DIRECTLY to the heart of a 14 year year old who is still trying to find out who he is. But above all, I thank you that he is YOURS!
On September 2 1993, a baby boy was placed in my arms and I have never been the same. This little bundle of newborn loveliness has emerged into a full fledged teenager. And yet again, I will never be the same.
Teenagers are tough.
Especially parenting the first born as a teenager.
This year, by far, as been the toughest with our first born. A gentle spirit has transformed into an independent and stubborn manner. There are more days than I can count that he is stuck between wanting to fight for his way and crawling onto my lap and crying his eyes out. I instinctively know those moments because his bottom lip still quivers like it did when he was a toe-headed toddler. The sweet chubby fingers that printed so beautifully has emerged into a hand that is bigger than mine. The hair that I used to comb is now worn in a long style that irks his grandpa. But I hear, although I am not eavesdropping, that the girls love his curls! His feet are now bigger than his dad's. And when he brought home his spring pictures this week, I sucked in a big breath when he asked me "Don't you think I look buff, mom?" Because you know what, he kinda did!
There have been more than one (hundred) occasions where I would have sold him to a pack of Gypsies. And then ran back and bought him back.
Seriously, there have been days where I have told the Lord "this is too hard." "I quit teenagers." "You picked the wrong parents for this one. We will screw him up if he doesn't kill us first." Most of the time I don't get a reassuring, still small voice. Sometimes, I do. Most of the time I would find my spirit filled with a peace that defied the surroundings. And then an inner fight wells up in me to NOT let the enemy notch a victory over this boy's life. Because this life will be counted among one of God's Greatest Victories this side of eternity!
When I walked in the door this afternoon from Bible Study, there was a flashing 1 on the answering machine. I should have known. It was one of the First-Born's teachers. Again. The enemy tried to steal away today's blessing.......................and he almost did.
But God.
I had been silently petitioning God to fill me with wisdom on how to handle him. I found myself at the end of my ability (and patience) to get through this. And I felt God say "step aside". So, I did. As I went to my room I encouraged him to lean on God. To hash it out with Him. I needed God so badly to speak to my Taylor. To touch his heart, first hand. Not to do it through me anymore. And I so badly needed Taylor, to embrace God because he wanted too. Not because I wanted him too.
And you know what? He did. And they did. And He did.
A little while later, Taylor came over to me and hugged me tight. No matter how mad I get at him, those hugs are truly the best feeling in the world. He said in a softer voice than was used earlier, "Mom, I know it's all going to work out. I just know it will." I asked him how he knew and he shared with me this verse. He said "I just opened up my Bible and there it was. I knew it came straight from God." As I read that verse I just wanted to sit on the floor and sob like a baby. My soul was captivated by the Father's love for my first born. A love that has not quit. Has not thrown up it's hand in disgust. Has not forgot that his is dust. But sees him as the apple of His eye. As His delight.
I have once again asked God to write this moment on my heart so when the moments of defeat creep back in that I can recall this Victory.
Psalm 73 (The Message)
Truly God is good to Israel (Taylor, empahasis mine!), to those whose hearts are pure. But as for me, I almost lost my footing. My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone. For I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness. They seem to live such painless lives;their bodies are so healthy and strong. They don’t have troubles like other people;they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else.
21 Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
Father, I thank you for loving my First-Born. I thank you that You hold his life. Thank you for speaking DIRECTLY to the heart of a 14 year year old who is still trying to find out who he is. But above all, I thank you that he is YOURS!
3 comments:
*new visitor here* :) Wonderful post, right from a mother's heart.
BEAUTIFUL! This was so precious and oh boy, can I relate. How neat to watch God answer your prayers for your son.
Thanks for this post. Absolutely precious!
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